A Fresh Outlook

Last year was a really rough year for me professionally, which lead to being rough emotionally. I felt abused and rejected. I carried around a very negative attitude and looked at life as something to just get through. I realize now that I wasted so much time and effort having a 'tude and it didn't help anything. So here's what I've come to realize.

First- God's plans are always better than mine. Neal and I were talking the other day and we realize that it may have been a true blessing in disguise that I lost my job last school year instead of this year. If it had been this year, with the economy being what it is, its very possible that my current employer would not have been able to hire me. God saw ahead and planned an opportunity for me that has been amazing and such a blessing. It is wonderful to go to work each day with coworkers that are so supportive and loving. My kids at work I have also come to truly love. I find myself excited to get to work with some of the kids and consider myself lucky to get the chance to make a difference in their lives. Thank you Lord for this opportunity.

Second- A negative attitude just makes me an ugly person. I realize now that my bitterness and anger served me no purpose. I could have gotten so much more out of my current job sooner had I not been in such a permanent bad mood. I was mooping around the house again one day, just lost in my yucky thoughts when I realized that I wasn't liking myself very much. (Thanks to one friend who gave me and honest insight into what I really was doing to myself,) I didn't like who I'd become. Thats not who I used to be. I loved life and was now just scrapping by. I realized that whenever anyone asked me how I was my answer was not positive; "sick", "blah", etc. Who wants to be around a person like that? I know I wouldn't want to be. I saw myself from an outside perspective and realized that if I were someone else I wouldn't want to hang around a person like me. I knew then that it was time to let go. So I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to everyone that I was like this with and tell you I am sorry and that it not the person I really am. If you will allow me I'd like another chance to show you the real me.

Third-I am very capable. I had lots of self doubting thoughts about my abilities to perform a job. Through God's healing and the support of my coworkers I realize that I am good at working with kids and should not have let the thoughts in that I was not able to do it. I have renewed strength and determination now. I felt stripped of my confidence but now feel that I have it back. I know I am not perfect and still have lots to learn but I know that with practice and hard work I can do it.

All that being said, I'm not saying that I won't occasionally slip back into sulking but I really am trying to move on and trust God's plans for my life. Thank you to my friends who patiently listened to me and allowed me to pout and still loved me through it all. Also thank you for calling me out when I needed it. I am so lucky to have people in my life that are there for the good, bad, and ugly. I am rebuilding myself and returning to the person I once was. I am each day making a conscious effort to have more positive experiences and to let go of the past. I am trying to pray for my continued healing and would really appreciate prayers from friends too. Thank you everyone.